an Author loves details.

Some of my fondest memories of my dad came from the times we had working together. I grew up going to jobsites with him as soon as I was old enough to know how to run a vacuum. The time I spent working with him steadily grew as my skill grew in holding a paintbrush, wielding a roller, and running sanding machines. Eventually, after high school, I was working for him full-time. It was the best way to make money...any other job couldn't pay as well. 

During our early years of work together, we had plenty of disagreements and arguments. These mostly stemmed from his perfection in work quality meeting up with my stubbornness and lazy work ethic. So when the prospect of me working for him full-time came up, neither of us thought it would actually turn out all that well; we both saw more disagreements and conflict in the future. What actually did happen was better than we both could have imagined. We bonded. Really well. 

It was an truly incredible thing, as I grew in age and maturity, I saw my dad start to treat me with more respect: as a man. And that affected me in a way that spurred me to treat him with more respect. Funny how that works. What ended up happening, from my perspective, was another relationship grew. Not only was I my father's son, I was becoming his friend, his coworker, his brother? How weird does that sound? But it's true. He is my brother in Christ. 

Trust that was built allowed us to both open up to each other about things in our hearts that we previously hadn't really shared with each other. For me, that looked a lot like things with the girls in my life. But it was also many things regarding my faith in Christ: questions spread across the whole spectrum. I like to ask a lot of questions. For dad, it involved sharing things about his relationship with my mom, and it was refreshing to see for once a more accurate picture of what their relationship looks like. Or for that matter, what any relationship might look like. He also shared things about our previous church and the difficulties he faced there with being a deacon and being involved in leadership. But also, my dad allowed me to hear the more intimate things that were on his heart with his relationship with Jesus. 

I remember. For some reason it is such a clear memory; he would tell me that he just didn't feel important. In the grand scheme of things, in God's master plan, who was he? He told me he felt small, that he read the Bible and compared himself to all the characters. He was no David, he was no Moses, he was no Paul. I remember him saying that he felt like he was supposed to be doing something bigger. 

Fast forward to today. 

Dorothy and I have been reading 1 Samuel in the Bible. Why did we choose that book? Don't ask me. I think I was remembering parts of David's story and how much I liked it, and wanted to read it again but this time with a partner. We have not finished it still, and I'm pretty sure we started 9 or 10 months ago. Slow-going. 

Reading the Old Testament is hard sometimes. When I read the Bible, I mistakenly think that I need to get some kind of life-application out of every time I read. This makes reading one of the letters in the New Testament especially satisfying. The NT books are full of commands, of do's and don'ts. But the Old Testament is just....story. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of moments when reading that my eyes spot an analogy: Yes! This story is so similar to Jesus!  Look at how this points to him!  Those moments are thrilling. It's as if I was given a book of clues, and I am a detective finding them all and connecting the dots. But at the same time, there are so many bizarre things in the Old Testament, you have to ask yourself, "Why the heck is this in here?

Thinking back on that conversation with my dad, I don't think he was paying attention to the whole Bible. 

Let me explain. I'll use the story of David because that's how this realization came to be for me. If you know the story of David, this will sound familiar. Chosen as a boy, a young shepherd to replace Saul, the now corrupt king. David kills Goliath, the people praise him, Saul becomes jealous. Before David actually becomes king, there is chapter after chapter of David fleeing from Saul while Saul tries to take his life. And reading this story chapter by chapter, there have been times where Dorothy and I would finish reading, and all we would have read was a section talking about the location in the wilderness David chose to hide in. It's kinda boring, actually. I remember finishing one night and saying to Dorothy, "Welp, I have no idea why that story was included." 

It was the very next time we opened the Bible to read that I understood something. These other "big" chapters that so clearly display Jesus and the cross through the life of David, they would mean nothing without backstory! David killing Goliath would mean almost nothing if you didn't hear the uneventful explanation of how he was a teenage shepherd boy. David eating the holy bread would mean nothing without the details of him fleeing with his men to escape Saul's jealousy. David sparing Abigail because of her repentance, then marrying her, would mean nothing without the same backstory. I was so excited to have found a reason for these chapters with boring and inapplicable details, I told Dorothy all of this. These boring parts are just supporting details to make the story of God's salvation for us that much more incredible. 

When I told my thoughts to Dorothy, she responded with such beautiful wisdom. She listened, was quiet for a moment, then said, "That means the parts of our lives that are boring or seemingly unimportant actually are important in God's eyes." As soon as she said it, I knew this was the final point to all of this. 

We have a God who is huge. He is infinite, magnificent, and brilliant. But we can't use those character traits to prove that he is unconcerned about our small lives. In fact, the smallest parts of our lives are the proof that He does care. We have a Creator that has written the most intricate and detailed story of all time. The climax of this story happened 2000 years ago, and all the tiny parts of life that existed before then, and continue to exist now are what make that story of Jesus on the cross that much more amazing.

The problem we have is taking things out of context. An uneventful story in the Bible may seem boring or pointless when it is read by itself. But in context, the details are strategically placed to make the story as a whole more impactful. For me, this encourages me to remember on the days where I feel insignificant, to remember that there is a bigger story at hand, and that I can trust the Author. It also encourages me to look at the people around me, and the moments I find myself in, and remember that they are all important details too. God cares about the smallest things. He designed the smallest details with purpose. 

Day Trip to Vancouver

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Aaron and I planned to go to Vancouver earlier this Fall, when we were planning out the remainder of our weekends. I had just started a seasonal job at Paper Source and wanted to get as many hours as I could. He asked if he could have December 12th.  The weekend crept up on us, but we were very much looking forward to a day outside of Seattle despite 100% chance of rain. We left early and met with friends for breakfast in Bellingham, which helped break the drive up. Eighty minutes later (and some at the border), we were in Vancity.

Our first stop was Bloedel Floral Conservatory in Queen Elizabeth Park, which makes up most of the photos above. Aaron mentioned that he wanted to find one, and I unintentionally found it via Pinterest, ha! It was the perfect rainy day activity. Tickets were $6.50 each, but we both agreed it was well worth the money. It really felt like we were in another world (similar to what I would imagine Jurassic World would be like) with all the sounds and birds flying around. We spent a good hour there, admiring all the different types of birds and at God's creativity. I'm surprised I'd never heard of this place before, and would definitely come back.

We headed over to Gastown next to grab some coffee at Revolver. We settled with some Heart Coffee and worked on our books for some time. This led to some great conversation, learning more about each other, our different personalities, our strengths and our weaknesses... more on this later.

We had about 45 minutes left on our parking so we stopped in at a few stores, including Old Faithful Shop (I always want all the things here!),  One of a Few,  Frank & Oak... 

One of our friends had told us to stop at B.C. Sushi for all-you-can-eat sushi. We made one last stop there for a late lunch and it was delicious! We didn't end up going with the all-you-can-eat option, however we got so much food for the amount we paid- I did the lunch combo which included a small salad, miso soup, chicken teriyaki, several pieces of sashimi and a California Roll. This was all for a grand total of $10. Hip hip hooray!

All in all, it was a great trip. I look forward to many more mini-adventures in Vancouver, hopefully when it's not so wet!

Eight Hours in Chi-Town

This past August, Aaron and I took a trip out to the Midwest to visit his family. We made a pit-stop in Chicago, eating and drinking our hearts out, and spending some time with Aaron's childhood friend (shoutout to Phil!) who had recently moved out there. I was falling asleep that morning, ironically enough, over coffee and breakfast and it was so kind of Phil to let me nap at his apartment for an hour or so. We sipped coffee at Intelligentsia in Logan Square, ate brunch at Lula Cafe (so darling!), browsed a few shops (it was still pretty early when we were out), taco-ed it up at Big Star (which I would highly recommend) and finished with some ice cream/donuts/more coffee at Stan's Coffee & Coffee before taking the train down to Indiana. It was so enjoyable to finally be on a plane with Aaron, going to a city that was not home to either of us. Our first trip together! Aaron made this gif below so I hope y'all enjoy it. He was pretty excited about it. 

26

Today I’ve lived 26 years. Twenty-six years young and it is— but twenty-six years is a lot of life that I do not deserve. As I write this, I can’t help but cry. I cry because God’s grace has been more than enough. I cry because I can’t help but think of Elizabeth, and the short life she lived and how I wish I could give her some of my good, healthy years. It is only by the grace of God, I am what I am and only by the grace of God, I am who I am.

The past year has not been the most enjoyable for me. Enjoyable, fun, best, good… sometimes those words are interchangeably used to describe a whole year as a broad answer. It hasn’t been the most fun, but it has been a very, very good year. It has been a year of sitting, being patient, relying on aforementioned grace.  It’s been a whole year of growing up in ways I had not yet experienced and am still experiencing. Two years out of college, a year-and-a-half post a church internship, eight months post an extended trip to Uganda… wondering whether or not I wanted to continue my business, going in-between part-time jobs, making decisions and not making decisions. For a little while, I thought I was lost. But all of it has been a complete reliance on Jesus.

The biggest life change this past year? In simplest terms, I became a girlfriend. That’s weird. I’ve battled with thoughts along the lines of one: “I don’t think I could be anyone’s girlfriend. I’m too selfish. I want too many things. I want to travel everywhere,” and two, the opposite: “I’m the shit. I’m too good for anyone. I’d be the best girlfriend ever.” Both have proved to be wrong (no surprise there, huh?) Firstly, I don’t necessarily want to do all of the travelling and ‘all of the things’ anymore… at least not as much as I’d rather have a friend like Aaron. I am not the shit. I fail every day; I am careless at times. This part is true: I am selfish— just in ways I had not seen before.

I have a theory, so feel free to read with a grain of salt. Those who think that relationships are going to be a piece of cake, wonderful and blissful, will learn the opposite. There will be fights, and it will be hard work. Of course it is worth it, but it’ll be an uphill climb. Then there’s people like me— I never thought it’d be easy. There was actually a time in my life where I thought that being someone’s girlfriend and ultimately wife, was beyond me. I knew that families were real. I knew ‘good’ ones were out there (though every family has issues). But considering the experiences I had with my family, a husband/father being present and actively involved in my future family unit, seemed like an impossible dream. It would never be tangible for me. Man oh man, does God humble the proud.

Truthfully, there was an attitude of pride in all of this too. Like I said before, I was too good for anyone. Romantic relationships seemed too dramatic and unnecessary and frankly, I didn’t have time for all of the bullshit… there were things Miss Independent (me) had to do. I didn’t need someone to mess things up for me. The boys I had been slightly interested in were unable to be honest and intentional, always beating around the bush (where are all of the men? I could write a blog post about this).

And then finally, I found that I was really content with life, with my independence/ dependence on God alone, and even thought that if I were to be single forever, that’d be A-Okay with me. I would adopt and be a single mom (although after the fact, I do not think this is the wisest idea either- another blog post, another time…)

In enters Aaron, who would teach me about God’s goodness in that he would call to ask me out to dinner, he would offer to drive an hour to come get me, he would open doors for me, he would pay for my meals, he would respond to my warning about dad and how dad won’t probably like the fact he’s white without a trace of fear, trusting that it’d work out, he’d continue to greet my dad and give him awkward hugs, he’d fix my mom’s cupboards, he’d write me letters, and he’d tell me I was beautiful and that I am perfect just the way I am.

But it hasn’t all been easy. And this is the answer I would give when people ask me “what about this past year?” I would say that I have grown the most and am, thankfully, still growing up. As a single person, I always wrongly judged my peers who would disappear at the start of a new relationship. I found myself resentful. Now that I am on the other side of that, I understand and because I am a people-pleaser by nature, I can’t help but think that that’s what my friends must think of me now. In the past year I’ve struggled with self-pity because all of my time seemed to be going to work and/or Aaron and oh my gosh, I have no friends. I only spend time with this one person; that is not okay…  But no, that can’t be true. That’s a lie I have told myself. Finding community as a couple has been one of the hardest things in our relationship, especially because we have completely different friend circles. Blending and merging our people is another thing in and of itself.

Being in a relationship is hard.

The best thing in all of this, the truest thing in all of this, is this: it doesn’t matter what comes next or what doesn’t come because all that matters is that I continue to profess God’s love over me, His providence over my life and His goodness. No matter what I am able to accomplish, or not accomplish, I literally have forever. I am more emotional than I have ever been; I cry every time I pray with Aaron. And though Aaron is an amazing person (but not perfect), Jesus IS. It blows my mind that someone would choose to die for me and despite my sin, He would look at me and see His son, Jesus. Guys, this is good news. This is the gospel.