Practical Marriage Advice (from someone who is not married yet)

Aaron and I attended a marriage seminar a few weeks ago and left feeling pretty disappointed. We tried to have high hopes, but it was- well, to say the least- pretty unbiblical and I was confused. But it got me thinking. A lot of the push back was that it was practical advice and that it was aimed towards couples who had been married for decades. Okay, that's fine, but practicality should always be based on biblical truth. Am I totally off?

Again, these are thoughts are from a most likely naive, soon-to-be married woman. I have absolutely no experience being a wife, but I have a lot of experience being a sinner (ba dum tss!). 

These are things I want and things I do not want out of my marriage. I sure as hell do not want to get to a point in marriage where we are looking for practical advice over biblical truth and counsel because therein lies the problem: we do not take the message of the gospel quite seriously enough. If we did, we would not be looking elsewhere for the solution to our problems. Practical advice will only fix a temporary problem; it will not fix my heart. 

I was finishing up The Prodigal God by Tim Keller as I was realizing these things and there were some things that really spoke to me that helped me realize this even more: 

... We must personally appropriate [ the gospel of the grace of God ], making it more and more central to everything we see, think, and feel. That is how we grow spiritually in wisdom, love, joy and peace."

... even after you are converted by the gospel your heart will go back to operating in other principles, unless you deliberately, repeatedly set it to gospel-mode."

     -----> a note on this particular quote that Keller mentioned by Luther. This can be an analogy to romantic relationships: in the beginning, we are doing everything we can to impress the other person. The guy is pursuing the girl, perhaps taking her out on nice dates, asking her questions and caring about her day (vice versa with the girls asking the guys). The longer the two are together, the more used to each other they'll get and he will eventually go back to his old ways. He will no longer feel the need to impress her because he's got her. I remember in the beginning months of dating Aaron, I was more willing to listen and more willing to share, but now because we're engaged and simply put, used to each other, I find myself not working as hard to listen at times and also am more unwilling to share my thoughts immediately.     

Human approval, professional success, power and influence, family and clan identity- all of these things serve as our hearts' functional trust rather than what Christ has done, and as a result we continue to be driven to a great degree of fear, anger, and a lack of self control... [ this is totally me! ]... we can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. We must feed on the gospel..."

Paul does not threaten or merely exhort, nor does he left up some shining example to emulate. Instead he vividly portrays the salvation of Jesus as sacrificial, spousal love..."

This last one summarizes it all: how I feel about practical advice in regards to marriage, but in all of life as well. 

Faith in the gospel restructures our motivations, our self-understanding, our identity, and our view of the world. Behavioral compliance to rules without heart change will be superficial and fleeting."

*I write this to share my heart, but mostly to remind myself in times of my selfishness and weakness.

The Fruits of Faithfulness

There are benefits that come from loyalty, but I think in this day too many people miss them because they let their passions and desires rule their decision-making. 

It always seems to make sense at first, to take the opportunities in front of us that just seem...so great. What if this opportunity never comes again? What are the chances that this is here now? I think people use those 2 questions as reason to %100 chase after this thing that is so appealing to them. 

Yeah, I'm being vague right now. I'll use an example to help explain. How about my job?

I've got a decent job. I mean, I can easily survive off of what I make. I enjoy what I do. Ugh, but one of my coworkers is so annoying. And I have to sit in traffic to get there and to get back home. Yeah, things definitely could be better. Some would argue to get out there and find a better job. There is one, right? It's America, right? I have that right, right? To have my dream job, just the way I want it? So...what if a job opportunity came up that was closer to home and better pay? A no-brainer, right? This is what I'm trying to say: It may be great, it may be better in a lot of ways. But what I would miss if I took that job and kept following that pattern of decision-making, are all the fruits of faithfulness that would come from me sticking with the job I have.

Thinking about the reasons I would take that job, it's purely all about me. Gasp. So what? Of course it is, Aaron. You gotta take care of yourself! You do you. But is that really the best way to make choices? Really? We jump around anytime a better thing pops up in our life, to avoid discomfort, to avoid hardship, to avoid anything we hate....and then we end up throwing out the window all the things we would gain from pushing through what is difficult and uncomfortable. And you look at yourself....and it's just that. You are all over the place. You are always chasing something better, always unhappy with what you have, always looking somewhere other than where you are. No one wants that employee. No one wants that spouse. 

Which brings me to my other point. Relationships. I may sound really really crazy talking about jobs, but I think these same principals apply to relationships, and I am going to guess that I sound less crazy here. 

When I marry the girl that I marry, I am saying that I am committed to her. Her entirely. Through better, worse, rich, poor, sickness, health. There is a reason vows are made, because we are flighty people that want to leave when things get rough. And everyone knows the pain that comes when someone leaves a committed relationship. I may tell my woman in a sappy way that she is perfect, she is the best, she is superior to all other woman. But realistically, there will always be someone that is smarter than my wife, prettier, with better talents, better grammar, better smells, etc. You get it. But does that mean I should just take off when I get sick of how my wife spends money? I mean...there is probably a way more fiscally responsible woman out there. It's America, right? I should be able to have what I want, right? Sadly, some people really do operate that way in relationships, and that's why divorce and break-ups are so common.

I think putting this whole thing in the context of a relationship makes it a little easier to process. Commitment is vastly better than leaving. What comes from leaving? A broken heart, maybe two, and a coward that hasn't learned how to deal with a problem. (Yes, I understand there are good reasons to leave, I'm not talking about those situations) What comes from staying? Use your imagination. Put yourself in the shoes of the person with the "problem." What does it mean to you when your spouse says that they are sticking with you, regardless of this issue they see? That's everything. That's love. That's inspiration to change, actually. And that person that stays learns patience, self-control, and selflessness. Maybe that person learns over time helpful ways to deal with said problem.  And every problem that is addressed and responded to with grace is more resilience and wisdom for the next issue that arises. 

I have seen these very fruits from sticking with my very own job. One of the coolest things I have from staying at my job for over 3 years now is the relationship I have with my boss and his family. I could never have that if I was hopping jobs and getting a new and "better" one every year. And looking away from just what purely suits me, it's been awesome to be able to be a steady and committed employee for him, for his family. I can't imagine being a boss and having employees coming and going constantly. 

Bringing this back, I would argue that this same principal can be applied in every single area of our life. And it is definitely not a trend that is catching on...it's fading slowly out of existence. Technology is being created and designed to free us of our problems. People are told to go after whatever makes them happy; happiness is king. I am asking you to look at areas of your life: your relationship, your job, your city, your friends, your church....instead of using what is wrong to be an excuse to go after something else, commit. Commit to what you have. Stick with it for some time and see what you learn. There will always be another thing that seems better, but that doesn't mean that you should chase it. It's like working out. You go to the gym expecting resistance...it's what makes you stronger. Literally. And it's only when you stick with it that your strength grows. 

My final point is this: We have a God who does exactly this and is an example to us. We are the worst. And he is eternally faithful to us in spite of all our faults. If you read the stories of Israel through the Bible, it's jaw-dropping how often the Israelites turn away from God and live in disobedience, especially after having seen him show great signs of his love to them, in each generation. Part of what makes it so astonishing is how honest it is; it is a reflection of us all. And yet, God continues to be faithful despite the repetitive disobedience we show. Not only that, but God knew before we existed just how unfaithful we would be in our lifetime. 

When I think about heaven, I sometimes have a hard time fathoming what it will be like to worship God for eternity. But then, when I think about that moment when I see all the sins I have committed in a lifetime stacked up (including all the ones I was oblivious to) against the faithfulness of God through it all, because of Jesus' death in our place, I can't imagine anything that makes more sense than singing God's praises for all of time.

Eternal Minds

"For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city to come." Hebrews 13:14

I remember one of the first conversations Dorothy and I had was about eternity. I didn't know her well at all, and I'll admit I was trying a little bit to impress her with some good conversational skills. At the very least, I wanted her to know what I was about, and I certainly didn't want to be about small talk. I wanted her to see that on the top of my list of cares, I cared about things above.  

I was talking about my thoughts on heaven, what heaven will be like when we get there. I don't remember exactly how it came up in conversation, but I was sharing how I have this picture of heaven in my head where every believer is sitting at a round table that fits us all, and we each take a turn to tell our life story, sharing who we were on earth, how Jesus saved us, and not neglecting any important details. As each person shared, slowly every believer present would start to see how all our lives connected and intersected. We would see how one thing we did affected another, until the very end. I imagine this would bring up plenty of extra side discussions as these realizations happen, and of course this would take a very long time, but that would be okay because we have eternity. 

Anyhow, it was fun to talk about, and the conversation left an impression on both of us enough for us to keep recalling it as time passed in our days together. Different situations kept arising in our life, really hard ones or just somewhat hard ones. Through these different times, the only answer that gave us peace was eternity. Knowing that we do not belong here, we belong somewhere else. Death of a family member, being separated thousands of miles across the world, difficulty in communication, death of a loved child, tragic world events... all these things made us ask the questions "Why?" and "How?", and in these moments we have strived to remember that there are better, more perfect days ahead. Days with no pain, doubt, or fear. We will finally be in a place we were created to be forever. 

Until then, we live each day knowing that this place we call home for now is filled with all sorts of emotions that we would rather not feel, but must feel. We can expect pain and suffering on this earth. We can hold on hope knowing that this is not the end. We can be comforted by Jesus, how he came to this place and suffered for us, and suffers with us. We will live life together sharing in this. 

Life is full of choices. Will we be quick or slow to choose the things that impact the now, that add to our present comfort?

In case we may forget, this is our mission statement that we will point each other back to. Aaron and Dorothy, living with bodies on this earth and with minds set on heaven.

and for eternity. 

"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.   For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.   When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."  Colossians 3:2-4   ESV

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal,   but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.   For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21   ESV

an Author loves details.

Some of my fondest memories of my dad came from the times we had working together. I grew up going to jobsites with him as soon as I was old enough to know how to run a vacuum. The time I spent working with him steadily grew as my skill grew in holding a paintbrush, wielding a roller, and running sanding machines. Eventually, after high school, I was working for him full-time. It was the best way to make money...any other job couldn't pay as well. 

During our early years of work together, we had plenty of disagreements and arguments. These mostly stemmed from his perfection in work quality meeting up with my stubbornness and lazy work ethic. So when the prospect of me working for him full-time came up, neither of us thought it would actually turn out all that well; we both saw more disagreements and conflict in the future. What actually did happen was better than we both could have imagined. We bonded. Really well. 

It was an truly incredible thing, as I grew in age and maturity, I saw my dad start to treat me with more respect: as a man. And that affected me in a way that spurred me to treat him with more respect. Funny how that works. What ended up happening, from my perspective, was another relationship grew. Not only was I my father's son, I was becoming his friend, his coworker, his brother? How weird does that sound? But it's true. He is my brother in Christ. 

Trust that was built allowed us to both open up to each other about things in our hearts that we previously hadn't really shared with each other. For me, that looked a lot like things with the girls in my life. But it was also many things regarding my faith in Christ: questions spread across the whole spectrum. I like to ask a lot of questions. For dad, it involved sharing things about his relationship with my mom, and it was refreshing to see for once a more accurate picture of what their relationship looks like. Or for that matter, what any relationship might look like. He also shared things about our previous church and the difficulties he faced there with being a deacon and being involved in leadership. But also, my dad allowed me to hear the more intimate things that were on his heart with his relationship with Jesus. 

I remember. For some reason it is such a clear memory; he would tell me that he just didn't feel important. In the grand scheme of things, in God's master plan, who was he? He told me he felt small, that he read the Bible and compared himself to all the characters. He was no David, he was no Moses, he was no Paul. I remember him saying that he felt like he was supposed to be doing something bigger. 

Fast forward to today. 

Dorothy and I have been reading 1 Samuel in the Bible. Why did we choose that book? Don't ask me. I think I was remembering parts of David's story and how much I liked it, and wanted to read it again but this time with a partner. We have not finished it still, and I'm pretty sure we started 9 or 10 months ago. Slow-going. 

Reading the Old Testament is hard sometimes. When I read the Bible, I mistakenly think that I need to get some kind of life-application out of every time I read. This makes reading one of the letters in the New Testament especially satisfying. The NT books are full of commands, of do's and don'ts. But the Old Testament is just....story. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of moments when reading that my eyes spot an analogy: Yes! This story is so similar to Jesus!  Look at how this points to him!  Those moments are thrilling. It's as if I was given a book of clues, and I am a detective finding them all and connecting the dots. But at the same time, there are so many bizarre things in the Old Testament, you have to ask yourself, "Why the heck is this in here?

Thinking back on that conversation with my dad, I don't think he was paying attention to the whole Bible. 

Let me explain. I'll use the story of David because that's how this realization came to be for me. If you know the story of David, this will sound familiar. Chosen as a boy, a young shepherd to replace Saul, the now corrupt king. David kills Goliath, the people praise him, Saul becomes jealous. Before David actually becomes king, there is chapter after chapter of David fleeing from Saul while Saul tries to take his life. And reading this story chapter by chapter, there have been times where Dorothy and I would finish reading, and all we would have read was a section talking about the location in the wilderness David chose to hide in. It's kinda boring, actually. I remember finishing one night and saying to Dorothy, "Welp, I have no idea why that story was included." 

It was the very next time we opened the Bible to read that I understood something. These other "big" chapters that so clearly display Jesus and the cross through the life of David, they would mean nothing without backstory! David killing Goliath would mean almost nothing if you didn't hear the uneventful explanation of how he was a teenage shepherd boy. David eating the holy bread would mean nothing without the details of him fleeing with his men to escape Saul's jealousy. David sparing Abigail because of her repentance, then marrying her, would mean nothing without the same backstory. I was so excited to have found a reason for these chapters with boring and inapplicable details, I told Dorothy all of this. These boring parts are just supporting details to make the story of God's salvation for us that much more incredible. 

When I told my thoughts to Dorothy, she responded with such beautiful wisdom. She listened, was quiet for a moment, then said, "That means the parts of our lives that are boring or seemingly unimportant actually are important in God's eyes." As soon as she said it, I knew this was the final point to all of this. 

We have a God who is huge. He is infinite, magnificent, and brilliant. But we can't use those character traits to prove that he is unconcerned about our small lives. In fact, the smallest parts of our lives are the proof that He does care. We have a Creator that has written the most intricate and detailed story of all time. The climax of this story happened 2000 years ago, and all the tiny parts of life that existed before then, and continue to exist now are what make that story of Jesus on the cross that much more amazing.

The problem we have is taking things out of context. An uneventful story in the Bible may seem boring or pointless when it is read by itself. But in context, the details are strategically placed to make the story as a whole more impactful. For me, this encourages me to remember on the days where I feel insignificant, to remember that there is a bigger story at hand, and that I can trust the Author. It also encourages me to look at the people around me, and the moments I find myself in, and remember that they are all important details too. God cares about the smallest things. He designed the smallest details with purpose.