26

Today I’ve lived 26 years. Twenty-six years young and it is— but twenty-six years is a lot of life that I do not deserve. As I write this, I can’t help but cry. I cry because God’s grace has been more than enough. I cry because I can’t help but think of Elizabeth, and the short life she lived and how I wish I could give her some of my good, healthy years. It is only by the grace of God, I am what I am and only by the grace of God, I am who I am.

The past year has not been the most enjoyable for me. Enjoyable, fun, best, good… sometimes those words are interchangeably used to describe a whole year as a broad answer. It hasn’t been the most fun, but it has been a very, very good year. It has been a year of sitting, being patient, relying on aforementioned grace.  It’s been a whole year of growing up in ways I had not yet experienced and am still experiencing. Two years out of college, a year-and-a-half post a church internship, eight months post an extended trip to Uganda… wondering whether or not I wanted to continue my business, going in-between part-time jobs, making decisions and not making decisions. For a little while, I thought I was lost. But all of it has been a complete reliance on Jesus.

The biggest life change this past year? In simplest terms, I became a girlfriend. That’s weird. I’ve battled with thoughts along the lines of one: “I don’t think I could be anyone’s girlfriend. I’m too selfish. I want too many things. I want to travel everywhere,” and two, the opposite: “I’m the shit. I’m too good for anyone. I’d be the best girlfriend ever.” Both have proved to be wrong (no surprise there, huh?) Firstly, I don’t necessarily want to do all of the travelling and ‘all of the things’ anymore… at least not as much as I’d rather have a friend like Aaron. I am not the shit. I fail every day; I am careless at times. This part is true: I am selfish— just in ways I had not seen before.

I have a theory, so feel free to read with a grain of salt. Those who think that relationships are going to be a piece of cake, wonderful and blissful, will learn the opposite. There will be fights, and it will be hard work. Of course it is worth it, but it’ll be an uphill climb. Then there’s people like me— I never thought it’d be easy. There was actually a time in my life where I thought that being someone’s girlfriend and ultimately wife, was beyond me. I knew that families were real. I knew ‘good’ ones were out there (though every family has issues). But considering the experiences I had with my family, a husband/father being present and actively involved in my future family unit, seemed like an impossible dream. It would never be tangible for me. Man oh man, does God humble the proud.

Truthfully, there was an attitude of pride in all of this too. Like I said before, I was too good for anyone. Romantic relationships seemed too dramatic and unnecessary and frankly, I didn’t have time for all of the bullshit… there were things Miss Independent (me) had to do. I didn’t need someone to mess things up for me. The boys I had been slightly interested in were unable to be honest and intentional, always beating around the bush (where are all of the men? I could write a blog post about this).

And then finally, I found that I was really content with life, with my independence/ dependence on God alone, and even thought that if I were to be single forever, that’d be A-Okay with me. I would adopt and be a single mom (although after the fact, I do not think this is the wisest idea either- another blog post, another time…)

In enters Aaron, who would teach me about God’s goodness in that he would call to ask me out to dinner, he would offer to drive an hour to come get me, he would open doors for me, he would pay for my meals, he would respond to my warning about dad and how dad won’t probably like the fact he’s white without a trace of fear, trusting that it’d work out, he’d continue to greet my dad and give him awkward hugs, he’d fix my mom’s cupboards, he’d write me letters, and he’d tell me I was beautiful and that I am perfect just the way I am.

But it hasn’t all been easy. And this is the answer I would give when people ask me “what about this past year?” I would say that I have grown the most and am, thankfully, still growing up. As a single person, I always wrongly judged my peers who would disappear at the start of a new relationship. I found myself resentful. Now that I am on the other side of that, I understand and because I am a people-pleaser by nature, I can’t help but think that that’s what my friends must think of me now. In the past year I’ve struggled with self-pity because all of my time seemed to be going to work and/or Aaron and oh my gosh, I have no friends. I only spend time with this one person; that is not okay…  But no, that can’t be true. That’s a lie I have told myself. Finding community as a couple has been one of the hardest things in our relationship, especially because we have completely different friend circles. Blending and merging our people is another thing in and of itself.

Being in a relationship is hard.

The best thing in all of this, the truest thing in all of this, is this: it doesn’t matter what comes next or what doesn’t come because all that matters is that I continue to profess God’s love over me, His providence over my life and His goodness. No matter what I am able to accomplish, or not accomplish, I literally have forever. I am more emotional than I have ever been; I cry every time I pray with Aaron. And though Aaron is an amazing person (but not perfect), Jesus IS. It blows my mind that someone would choose to die for me and despite my sin, He would look at me and see His son, Jesus. Guys, this is good news. This is the gospel.