Twenty-nine

How can I really describe this past year and encompass all the ups and downs in some words? It’s a little daunting but I know that I will appreciate this years down the road. A year ago, I was almost 34 weeks pregnant and here I am with a ten-month old sleeping on me as I find some time to reflect. Two days ago I managed to get her to nap on her own (hallelujah!!!) but today I want her to be close to me. My womb was her home and she still finds comfort on my body. 

It is no longer just me. It is me and her. It will never be just me again (but really, it was never just me as there are always others to think about), but now I literally have no choice about the matter. If anything, I think this past year has been a tangible lesson in selflessness. 

I don’t want motherhood—being a mom—to be my identity. It is not. But there’s no denying that it is now a part of me. I don’t want this reflection to just be about being a mom, because I’m not just a mom. I apologize to myself, to my fellow mom peers, to Libby and to my husband for having ever uttered the words, “Oh, I’m just a stay-at-home mom.” A past friend from college called me out on that when I unexpectedly ran into her at a wedding this past fall. It’s not just a just. It is so much more. 

I read in some book awhile ago (maybe it was Jesus Feminist?) that motherhood is a ministry and I have had to remind myself of this over and over again. It is one of my highest callings, along with being a faithful wife and partner. These roles are not something to check off the life to-do list once you’ve received them. The work goes beyond saying “I do” and going through the pain of labor and delivery. When we found out we were pregnant, I told Aaron that I wasn’t even really scared of birth. What scared me even more was that I would have to raise a good and kind human. For at least 18 years. Doesn’t that labor seem more … well, laborious? 

I’ve had to remind myself that being a mom is a ministry when I’ve been told in the past year that I should be ‘serving’. I should be using the gifts that God has given me to serve others. I should be in church. I should be tithing. I should be doing A, B, C… I’m not writing this to defend myself against these statements… because at the end of the day, my relationship with Jesus is that. Mine and His. But that’s how it is. That’s where I am. This is how I can use my gifts right now. This is what I’m called to right now.

And being selfless manifests itself in other ways as well. I can’t spend as much of myself on other relationships anymore. Anyone who knows me well enough will know that I’ve had friendships in multiple circles back in college and in years past. A friend guessed that I was an E in the Myers-Briggs test and was surprised to find out that it’s quite the opposite. I do know a lot of people and I do enjoy spending time with different types of people… but now more than ever, it’s about the quality of my friendships.

I know that entering parenthood put us in a different phase of life. Those not here yet may or may not assume we’re busy with baby/etc. But the thing is, parenthood can be lonely. Motherhood can be lonely. Especially when I can fit pretty easily into the husband-goes-to-work and I’m-at-home-with-baby scenario. Which, by the way, I’m totally cool with. (Seriously, I am so lucky that financially we can afford for me to be home with Libby.) So when I say I have had to learn to be selfless, I mean that I have had to not put as much stock in my friendships these days than I’ve done in the past. It’s not that I don’t want to, because truly I do, but that’s how life is right now. 

I’ve also learned this past year how capable I am—how being selfless can make you capable of other things you didn’t know you were capable of. Like, how funny is it that I fight tooth-and-nail sometimes to put Libby to bed, but the moments before I put her down to leave for the night, I am already missing her?… how my body wants to put her down because my back aches but my heart wants to keep holding her forever? I am capable of that type of love? I am capable of that type of selflessness? Will I, do I? commit myself to this for the rest of my baby’s life? 

I didn’t know I had this in me. And I know motherhood… parenthood… is just a small picture of how God loves us. 

This reflection is not about being a mom… In some ways, I feel like I’m starting over as I enter this new year of life. I am deconstructing the things I’ve been taught in my faith and in my life… and what I want to keep and what I don’t. I’m back in square one in my relationship with God. I see it (that is, life) with fresh eyes… I see it from the eyes of being a parent, now—and how God views me as His child and in this way, I am still learning. And that… yep, that’s humbling. 

*photos in this post by Alejandra Maria

Twenty-Eight

Yesterday marked 28 years of life for me.. and when I try to muster up words to describe or commemorate this past year, the only thing that headlines is, 'you're going to be a mom!' Truthfully when we first found out, I was in shock and kept asking, 'am I really pregnant?' There were no symptoms, really. I even told myself that if I had a miscarriage, I would probably be fine with that. It is so common; I heard so many stories of my friends who had a miscarriage or who so desperately wanted to get pregnant, and couldn't. I felt so guilty even thinking those thoughts. I wanted to be selfish a little longer. There were so many plans we had, you know. Plans of paying off credit card debt, saving some money, starting another another business, traveling!!--we thought maybe in 3 to 5 years we'd start a family. It wasn't until we went in for our first appointment at 12 weeks and saw an ultrasound and heard a heartbeat that I thought, 'Wow, my baby made it. And I am so, so thankful.' There Baby was. I could make out Baby's body and I could see Baby's head and see Baby's heartbeat. It beat so fast. And from there, the excitement only grew. This isn't to say that I was ready. For some reason I always thought I'd get married at 28. That was the magic number--but no, it will be the age that I would become a mom. And the thought is both exhilarating as it is nerve-wrecking. 

This past year has taught me to be okay with taking life slow. No longer can I meet up with friends multiple times a week, and spend too much money on coffee. No longer can I impulsively buy that sweater I just eyed at Madewell. And you know what, I'm okay with that. I've learned to not feel too guilty when I don't respond to a text, or an email or a FB message immediately (but as an FYI, FB messages are the worst way to get ahold of me. It is a black hole to me.) I've learned that it's okay that I don't make it to every social event on the calendar and it's even more okay if we're not even invited. I've learned that community are the ones that are consistent and present, regardless of the fact that we don't physically see each other or talk to each other ever day. And I've learned to not feel guilty that even though we may not be attending a Sunday service each and every week, does not mean that I am a failure and that I'm backsliding, that I am terrible at being a Christian. It's okay to want to stay at home, to binge watch Netflix, to do nothing, or to go to bed early. Is this adulting? 

It's been an incredible year and I'm so grateful for a best friend and husband who loves me so well. Marriage has been easy on us and I don't say that to boast, but to express how lucky I really feel. And I am thankful to know that even though I may not be as 'independent' as I used to be, this is for the better. And I am more than okay with that.