Twenty-Eight

Yesterday marked 28 years of life for me.. and when I try to muster up words to describe or commemorate this past year, the only thing that headlines is, 'you're going to be a mom!' Truthfully when we first found out, I was in shock and kept asking, 'am I really pregnant?' There were no symptoms, really. I even told myself that if I had a miscarriage, I would probably be fine with that. It is so common; I heard so many stories of my friends who had a miscarriage or who so desperately wanted to get pregnant, and couldn't. I felt so guilty even thinking those thoughts. I wanted to be selfish a little longer. There were so many plans we had, you know. Plans of paying off credit card debt, saving some money, starting another another business, traveling!!--we thought maybe in 3 to 5 years we'd start a family. It wasn't until we went in for our first appointment at 12 weeks and saw an ultrasound and heard a heartbeat that I thought, 'Wow, my baby made it. And I am so, so thankful.' There Baby was. I could make out Baby's body and I could see Baby's head and see Baby's heartbeat. It beat so fast. And from there, the excitement only grew. This isn't to say that I was ready. For some reason I always thought I'd get married at 28. That was the magic number--but no, it will be the age that I would become a mom. And the thought is both exhilarating as it is nerve-wrecking. 

This past year has taught me to be okay with taking life slow. No longer can I meet up with friends multiple times a week, and spend too much money on coffee. No longer can I impulsively buy that sweater I just eyed at Madewell. And you know what, I'm okay with that. I've learned to not feel too guilty when I don't respond to a text, or an email or a FB message immediately (but as an FYI, FB messages are the worst way to get ahold of me. It is a black hole to me.) I've learned that it's okay that I don't make it to every social event on the calendar and it's even more okay if we're not even invited. I've learned that community are the ones that are consistent and present, regardless of the fact that we don't physically see each other or talk to each other ever day. And I've learned to not feel guilty that even though we may not be attending a Sunday service each and every week, does not mean that I am a failure and that I'm backsliding, that I am terrible at being a Christian. It's okay to want to stay at home, to binge watch Netflix, to do nothing, or to go to bed early. Is this adulting? 

It's been an incredible year and I'm so grateful for a best friend and husband who loves me so well. Marriage has been easy on us and I don't say that to boast, but to express how lucky I really feel. And I am thankful to know that even though I may not be as 'independent' as I used to be, this is for the better. And I am more than okay with that.