Eternal Minds
"For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city to come." Hebrews 13:14
I remember one of the first conversations Dorothy and I had was about eternity. I didn't know her well at all, and I'll admit I was trying a little bit to impress her with some good conversational skills. At the very least, I wanted her to know what I was about, and I certainly didn't want to be about small talk. I wanted her to see that on the top of my list of cares, I cared about things above.
I was talking about my thoughts on heaven, what heaven will be like when we get there. I don't remember exactly how it came up in conversation, but I was sharing how I have this picture of heaven in my head where every believer is sitting at a round table that fits us all, and we each take a turn to tell our life story, sharing who we were on earth, how Jesus saved us, and not neglecting any important details. As each person shared, slowly every believer present would start to see how all our lives connected and intersected. We would see how one thing we did affected another, until the very end. I imagine this would bring up plenty of extra side discussions as these realizations happen, and of course this would take a very long time, but that would be okay because we have eternity.
"For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city to come." Hebrews 13:14
I remember one of the first conversations Dorothy and I had was about eternity. I didn't know her well at all, and I'll admit I was trying a little bit to impress her with some good conversational skills. At the very least, I wanted her to know what I was about, and I certainly didn't want to be about small talk. I wanted her to see that on the top of my list of cares, I cared about things above.
I was talking about my thoughts on heaven, what heaven will be like when we get there. I don't remember exactly how it came up in conversation, but I was sharing how I have this picture of heaven in my head where every believer is sitting at a round table that fits us all, and we each take a turn to tell our life story, sharing who we were on earth, how Jesus saved us, and not neglecting any important details. As each person shared, slowly every believer present would start to see how all our lives connected and intersected. We would see how one thing we did affected another, until the very end. I imagine this would bring up plenty of extra side discussions as these realizations happen, and of course this would take a very long time, but that would be okay because we have eternity.
Anyhow, it was fun to talk about, and the conversation left an impression on both of us enough for us to keep recalling it as time passed in our days together. Different situations kept arising in our life, really hard ones or just somewhat hard ones. Through these different times, the only answer that gave us peace was eternity. Knowing that we do not belong here, we belong somewhere else. Death of a family member, being separated thousands of miles across the world, difficulty in communication, death of a loved child, tragic world events... all these things made us ask the questions "Why?" and "How?", and in these moments we have strived to remember that there are better, more perfect days ahead. Days with no pain, doubt, or fear. We will finally be in a place we were created to be forever.
Until then, we live each day knowing that this place we call home for now is filled with all sorts of emotions that we would rather not feel, but must feel. We can expect pain and suffering on this earth. We can hold on hope knowing that this is not the end. We can be comforted by Jesus, how he came to this place and suffered for us, and suffers with us. We will live life together sharing in this.
Life is full of choices. Will we be quick or slow to choose the things that impact the now, that add to our present comfort?
In case we may forget, this is our mission statement that we will point each other back to. Aaron and Dorothy, living with bodies on this earth and with minds set on heaven.
and for eternity.
"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Colossians 3:2-4 ESV
"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21 ESV
26
Today I’ve lived 26 years. Twenty-six years young and it is— but twenty-six years is a lot of life that I do not deserve. As I write this, I can’t help but cry. I cry because God’s grace has been more than enough. I cry because I can’t help but think of Elizabeth, and the short life she lived and how I wish I could give her some of my good, healthy years. It is only by the grace of God, I am what I am and only by the grace of God, I am who I am.
The past year has not been the most enjoyable for me. Enjoyable, fun, best, good… sometimes those words are interchangeably used to describe a whole year as a broad answer. It hasn’t been the most fun, but it has been a very, very good year. It has been a year of sitting, being patient, relying on aforementioned grace. It’s been a whole year of growing up in ways I had not yet experienced and am still experiencing. Two years out of college, a year-and-a-half post a church internship, eight months post an extended trip to Uganda… wondering whether or not I wanted to continue my business, going in-between part-time jobs, making decisions and not making decisions. For a little while, I thought I was lost. But all of it has been a complete reliance on Jesus.
The biggest life change this past year? In simplest terms, I became a girlfriend. That’s weird. I’ve battled with thoughts along the lines of one: “I don’t think I could be anyone’s girlfriend. I’m too selfish. I want too many things. I want to travel everywhere,” and two, the opposite: “I’m the shit. I’m too good for anyone. I’d be the best girlfriend ever.” Both have proved to be wrong (no surprise there, huh?) Firstly, I don’t necessarily want to do all of the travelling and ‘all of the things’ anymore… at least not as much as I’d rather have a friend like Aaron. I am not the shit. I fail every day; I am careless at times. This part is true: I am selfish— just in ways I had not seen before.
I have a theory, so feel free to read with a grain of salt. Those who think that relationships are going to be a piece of cake, wonderful and blissful, will learn the opposite. There will be fights, and it will be hard work. Of course it is worth it, but it’ll be an uphill climb. Then there’s people like me— I never thought it’d be easy. There was actually a time in my life where I thought that being someone’s girlfriend and ultimately wife, was beyond me. I knew that families were real. I knew ‘good’ ones were out there (though every family has issues). But considering the experiences I had with my family, a husband/father being present and actively involved in my future family unit, seemed like an impossible dream. It would never be tangible for me. Man oh man, does God humble the proud.
Truthfully, there was an attitude of pride in all of this too. Like I said before, I was too good for anyone. Romantic relationships seemed too dramatic and unnecessary and frankly, I didn’t have time for all of the bullshit… there were things Miss Independent (me) had to do. I didn’t need someone to mess things up for me. The boys I had been slightly interested in were unable to be honest and intentional, always beating around the bush (where are all of the men? I could write a blog post about this).
And then finally, I found that I was really content with life, with my independence/ dependence on God alone, and even thought that if I were to be single forever, that’d be A-Okay with me. I would adopt and be a single mom (although after the fact, I do not think this is the wisest idea either- another blog post, another time…)
In enters Aaron, who would teach me about God’s goodness in that he would call to ask me out to dinner, he would offer to drive an hour to come get me, he would open doors for me, he would pay for my meals, he would respond to my warning about dad and how dad won’t probably like the fact he’s white without a trace of fear, trusting that it’d work out, he’d continue to greet my dad and give him awkward hugs, he’d fix my mom’s cupboards, he’d write me letters, and he’d tell me I was beautiful and that I am perfect just the way I am.
But it hasn’t all been easy. And this is the answer I would give when people ask me “what about this past year?” I would say that I have grown the most and am, thankfully, still growing up. As a single person, I always wrongly judged my peers who would disappear at the start of a new relationship. I found myself resentful. Now that I am on the other side of that, I understand and because I am a people-pleaser by nature, I can’t help but think that that’s what my friends must think of me now. In the past year I’ve struggled with self-pity because all of my time seemed to be going to work and/or Aaron and oh my gosh, I have no friends. I only spend time with this one person; that is not okay… But no, that can’t be true. That’s a lie I have told myself. Finding community as a couple has been one of the hardest things in our relationship, especially because we have completely different friend circles. Blending and merging our people is another thing in and of itself.
Being in a relationship is hard.
The best thing in all of this, the truest thing in all of this, is this: it doesn’t matter what comes next or what doesn’t come because all that matters is that I continue to profess God’s love over me, His providence over my life and His goodness. No matter what I am able to accomplish, or not accomplish, I literally have forever. I am more emotional than I have ever been; I cry every time I pray with Aaron. And though Aaron is an amazing person (but not perfect), Jesus IS. It blows my mind that someone would choose to die for me and despite my sin, He would look at me and see His son, Jesus. Guys, this is good news. This is the gospel.
Stolen
I had been living in Rainier Valley for a little over a year. I had heard stories about several of my friends' cars being stolen...but it had never happened to me. I had this arrogant mentality, thinking that I was the exception to the rule, so I never locked my truck doors. Besides, who would want to take a 40 year-old truck? Especially one that is bright blue and can't go over 70 mph?
It was in the middle of the week, and as I walked out to the driveway to leave for work in the morning, I stopped as I didn't see my truck. "Did I park it in the back last night?" I jogged to the back of my house, peeking around the corner of my fence looking for a hint of blue. Nope. Nothing. "What in the world? What did I do last night?" I definitely did nothing. I know I parked it in the driveway, which could only mean one thing...somebody took my ol' Datsun. A small feeling of panic rose in my throat as my heart beat faster. I called my boss first; I told him my truck was stolen, I don't think it could've gone far, and I would keep him updated as soon as it's found, but I probably would miss work that day. I called the police next, told them my truck was stolen and gave them all my details. I ran inside because I knew my roommate Kyle was still home, and I could probably borrow his car to drive around and look for it. No one knows that truck like I do. No one can drive it (well, if at all) except for me.
I had been living in Rainier Valley for a little over a year. I had heard stories about several of my friends' cars being stolen...but it had never happened to me. I had this arrogant mentality, thinking that I was the exception to the rule, so I never locked my truck doors. Besides, who would want to take a 40 year-old truck? Especially one that is bright blue and can't go over 70 mph?
It was in the middle of the week, and as I walked out to the driveway to leave for work in the morning, I stopped as I didn't see my truck. "Did I park it in the back last night?" I jogged to the back of my house, peeking around the corner of my fence looking for a hint of blue. Nope. Nothing. "What in the world? What did I do last night?" I definitely did nothing. I know I parked it in the driveway, which could only mean one thing...somebody took my ol' Datsun. A small feeling of panic rose in my throat as my heart beat faster. I called my boss first; I told him my truck was stolen, I don't think it could've gone far, and I would keep him updated as soon as it's found, but I probably would miss work that day. I called the police next, told them my truck was stolen and gave them all my details. I ran inside because I knew my roommate Kyle was still home, and I could probably borrow his car to drive around and look for it. No one knows that truck like I do. No one can drive it (well, if at all) except for me.
Kyle gave me his keys, and I drove quickly along the streets around my neighborhood, trying to put myself in the shoes of a car thief, looking for the easiest streets to drive on with that old thing. No luck. I couldn't find it close, and I wasn't about to drive all over Seattle looking for it. Ugh.
As I went back inside, I plopped down on a chair in my kitchen feeling defeated. Then another feeling set in...rage. I was burning. I had never had anything stolen from me, and for my truck that I had gotten so attached to to be just taken quietly in the night from my driveway...I felt so violated. How could somebody be so selfish and prideful to just take something that isn't theirs? I don't know what I would have done if I had found the people with my truck as I was driving around, but it wouldn't have been pretty. In fact, looking back, I'm pretty sure the Lord kept me from finding them.
Only a couple hours later the police called saying they had found it. It was abandoned in a field only a mile away from my house. The only reason I never checked that area was because it was across a major road that had a long stoplight, and I figured those thieves wouldn't have wanted to deal with that in a quick getaway. Kyle drove me over to where my truck was. I couldn't believe it...the engine was still warm. They had just left it not too long ago! If I had driven over there, I definitely would've seen the thieves. Again, I think that was the Lord. I looked inside, and it was pretty destroyed. Thankfully, it was mostly electrical damage. They hadn't taken anything except for my speakers and aftermarket gauges. But they had reached under my dash and ripped apart all of the wiring in their attempt to hotwire it. I had to chuckle a bit. They didn't know about my electrical fuel pump. They had cut power to it, and probably just drove the truck until it used up all the gas that was in the lines to the engine. They just ripped out what accessories they could hold and bailed as they realized they weren't getting any further. I eventually got the truck home and felt a little better, knowing I wouldn't have to deal with buying a new car...but the rage still stayed in my heart.
Maybe a week later, a friend came over to my place because I was going to work on her car. She heard about my truck being stolen and asked me about it. As I explained what happened, and told her about how angry I was, she asked me a question that stopped my heart from burning. I don't know if she knew what she was saying, or what the question would mean to me, but she asked, "Can you imagine that that anger is what the Lord feels when we sin against him?"
I don't know what I responded, but I think I mumbled something like, "Yeah....pretty crazy." When she left, I started thinking. Oh my goodness. I had never felt anger like this before. Never. Of course I had been angry, but this was personal. And I didn't deserve what happened to me. But it hit me...that is what the Lord feels about our sin against him. He is holy, deserving nothing ever done against him, and his rage must be exponentially greater than what I was feeling. What happened to me was one thing, one day, from one person (or two). The Lord is sinned against by billions of people, continually, every day. And how did he respond?
Jesus.
His response to our sin against him was Jesus. His only son. His perfect son.
He did not pour out his wrath on us sinners. He does not smite us as soon as we sin against him. And he also does not just chuckle and say, "It's no big deal! Just some little sin." Oh no, trust me...our God is a holy and just God. Our sin matters. His wrath was in full in response to our sin. But he chose to pour out that wrath on his son Jesus Christ as he hung naked, bloody, and beaten on that cross 2,000 years ago. His perfect son Jesus! He did nothing wrong! And yet he took on the full weight of the consequences of our sin.
I was shaken and somber as all of this hit me. Because I was angry, I had a small picture into what the Lord must feel about sin. And I saw that the way he deals with it is not of this world. I wanted to murder those thieves. I doubt I would have done that if I had actually found them, but that doesn't change the hate that was in my heart. Looking at what God did for us, responding like him would've been me driving, pursuing these thieves, but upon finding them, not taking out my rage on them, but saying, "I forgive you guys. Take my keys. You don't deserve this truck, but it looks like you need it." and bearing the loss of a vehicle on myself with no bitterness in my heart.
Even though the rage was slowly subsiding within me, imagining that kind of response was still unthinkable. No way could I have done that. But after spending some time thinking about all of this, my heart did change. I ended up praying for those guys. I didn't know where or who they were, but I hoped somehow that they would hear the good news of what Jesus has done for us sinners. And I knew that I was just as sinful as those thieves. I have stolen my own set of things from the Lord. And it is paid for completely by my glorious Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Who did not stay dead, by the way. :)
